Dateline Giddings, TX (May 2, 2010):
Texas State Representative Ridley Dibble (R., Dime Box) announced today that she will ask governor Rick "Laser Sight" Perry to convene an unusual special session of the Texas Legislature so that she may introduce new legislation (HB94), the Immigrant Oil Spill Solution bill.
Reached at Dibble's Dabbles, the art gallery she operates out of a spare bedroom in her family's home in tiny Dime Box, Dibble said, "I had this great idea for how we can help the poor folks in Louisiana and solve our illegal immigrant problem in one swell foop. I just hope Governor Perry can get all the boys back from that big lunker tournament at Possum Kingdom in time for a quick vote."
A read of HB94 shows that Dibble has indeed concocted an "out-of-the-box" solution to the growing environmental disaster in the central Gulf Coast by leveraging one of Texas' most pressing problems. HB94 directs police officers in every jurisdiction statewide to stop all suspected illegal immigrants and ask for verification of citizenship. Those who cannot provide documents will immediately be taken into custody. Where Dibble's bill differs from that recently signed into law in Arizona is that the illegals will be shipped to Venice, Louisiana, where each will be handed a jonny mop (assuming they aren't already carrying one when arrested), a big sponge, and a bucket. The criminals will then be roped together and deployed as a human boom surrounding the oil slick spreading from the blown-out BP drill rig off the mouth of the Mississippi.
To sweeten the deal, Texas will contract with its neighboring states to perform spill containment and cleanup, while paying the illegals $2.75 per hour for their labors. Dibble asserts that 75% of her constituents support such a bill according to an unscientific survey; though she admits that she only asked her husband Dudley, her 14-year-old son Rush, and her eleven-month-old daughter Palin. Her housekeeper, Elena Guttierez (according to Dibble a legal immigrant from Finland), declined to give an opinion.
While Governor Perry's office could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson for former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin conveyed Ms. Palin's approval: "Is this the entrepreneurial spirit that made our country great? You betcha! Am I in favor? Durn tootin'!"
